Today I dropped off my friend’s kids as well as my own. I am not the most lucid and competent of supervising adults at the best of times but this morning I was achieving a whole new level of panic parenting. As my eldest had a melt down because he couldn’t find his birthday party invitations, and my friend’s youngest was diving on his bag to stop me from removing a lego vampire he was trying to smuggle to school I found myself saying:
“School first, then vampire”. Obviously taken out of context this is a completely ridiculous statement, but not that unusual when communicating with small people. Here are the 13 stupidest things I have said to my children:

13. “Don’t poo… I’ll be right back” – Said in a moment of sheer desperation and panic, while my 3 year old makes very determined faces in someone else’s house, without a nappy on.
12. “Stop being a dog and eat your breakfast” – Please.. Mum would like I human child today. Get your face out of your cereal, and while I’m on the subject…
11. “Get your foot out of your food” – Why? Strange contortionist child. Very impressive but why?
10. “No Lightsabers before breakfast” – Mum and Dad are trying to sleep and there are only so many 5am, sci-fi sound effects we can handle.
9. “A vagina is not a type of penis” – To which my 8 year old screams at the top of his outraged lungs: “YES LOGAN TOLD ME VAGINA IS A PENIS” *embarrassment*
8. “Stop being a zombie and get dressed” – No really… Nude children walking muttering “brains” when they should be getting ready for bed is annoying and frankly a little disturbing.
7. “The cat is not a robot, please put down the screwdriver” – Poor Gizzy
6. “Stop farting at your nanna”- Or Nanna will start farting back, and nobody wants that.
5. “Ninjas do not get ice cream” – Neither do: samurais, celtic warriors, jedi knights, sith or pirates, anything really that feels the need to bring a weapon to the table.
4. “The cat cannot fly” – So please stop trying to teach her.
3. “Just sit down and feed Mr tickle some sultanas” – Or Mum may never finish her coffee and she may cry.
2. “People are not food” – Please stop trying to eat our toes when we are in bed you strange child.
1. “Please stop licking the cat” – Poor, poor Gizzy
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